Today, I surfed with Mauli Ola.
Oh, how I have missed that bunch of people.
Those group of cool loving, whole-hearted surfers.
I seriously, legitly (is that a word?) love them.
With all of my heart.

Surfing, is my love.
Mauli Ola gave that to me.
My lung function is in the 90%'s.
Am I really going to say that surfing hasn't played a HUGE part in making me healthy?
Sinus surgery - COMPLETELY avoided.
In fact, my sinus doctor said my nose wasn't even RED or SWOLLEN.
That hasn't, ever.

I miss Emily Haager.
So much.
& that is all.

That is not all.
I've been thinking about her nonstop.
Playing movies through my head,
picturing the pain she went through.
The muscle degeneration,
the lack of respiratory therapy,
the tracheotomy.
the code blues.
the 8 minutes of CPR.

I'm so sick of it.
Everything i think about seems to have to do with cystic fibrosis.
cystic fibrosis.
all the time,
cystic fibrosis.

I confronted my world history honors teacher about it, so he knew why I might be absent a lot, in the case that I may get sick again this year.
As you all know, I am EXTREMELY open about it.
But for some reason, I felt as though I were a little kid again,
ashamed, scared, embarrassed.
I froze up, my lip began to quiver, my heart raced and I couldn't catch my breath.
Tears streaming down my cheeks.
Really? Wow.
It crept slowly through my lips,
that ugly name that burns my tongue.
cystic fibrosis.
I hate this damn disease.
I miss emily haager.
I love to surf.
and THAT is all.